Kotetsu T. Kaburagi ○ Wild Tiger (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wildkotetsu) wrote2012-12-29 12:49 am
wildkotetsu) wrote2012-12-29 12:49 am
14 • Working Ethic • [Voice/Action]
[Kotetsu's essentially been away for the last week and a half (two weeks? he couldn't remember when they started) working a mission, because it's one of the few things that successfully keeps his attention away from the sad downhill roll his life'd been on. Things had been a little easier with time after Bunny had died, but then came the draft, trying to kill people, unable to save friends, citizens, himself—and then Pao-Lin went home, to top it off. Bottom line, it hasn't been easy. Kotetsu's naturally unfocused when it comes to anything but his job, so when he returns to the Luceti battered and bruised but mostly okay, he's confused.]
I'm back...
Oi, did something happen while I was out? There're—
[waaait
wait a sec]
Christmas. [He slaps his forehead, making a loud, annoying sigh, same ol' same ol'.] Aaaargh, I forgot! How'd I go and forget something as easy as Christmas? —Did I, uh. Miss anything? I mean, I guess maybe it's a little late to get everyone something, huh? But if you guys are okay with that... [keep busy, he thinks. keep busy] If anyone needs anything done for 'em, lemme' know. I can help get firewood or clear out snow, or whatever you'd need done.
[Cue scrambling for gifts. Let it be known, if he knows you he'll show up somewhere and give you something. It'll be small, probably something you'll hardly care for or use, but whatever. It's the very late thought that counts. And he hurries back to the restaurant and hey everyone sorry for being missing 75% of the time I had combat training stuff to do. Washing dishes, delivering things; he knows it's been hard goings around here. Admittedly, Kotetsu's been airheaded for a while now—no, no, not the usual airheaded-ness. Something considerably more worrisome and depressing. Well, it's fine. We all go through our moments, right? Yeah.
Still, he's not sure why he ends up standing in the middle of where Bunny had died many months ago, in broad daylight. Can't really even see it, technically, it's all under snow. Not that there'd be any reminders of it now...]
It's not like you're dead; I dunno' why, but I considered bringing flowers... You'd really have hated me for something like that, huh? Because you're not dead. Everyone says you go home and you can't really die here for real. I just... y'know. Christmas makes me think of you. [A shrug] Makes me think of everyone at home, I guess... but especially you. It was Christmas time when I was last there. When we fought and all that... I know it's not a good holiday for you, but I always hoped maybe you'd find something good in it someday. I don't know.
[After a long, lost pause, he shakes his head, rapping his knuckle on his forehead in frustration.]
Pao-lin's gone, too. I never even got to make it up to her. I know I failed her like I did the others here, back when they needed me most. And like I failed with you. I'm trying to make up for it—this thing Crapbeard's doing... It's what you'd do, right? You'd hop right to it, huh, Bunny?
[rubs at his eyes, scoffing-]
... You'll be okay, back home... I don't know why I'm talkin' to you like this.
[Kotetsu only talks to Tomoe like this. It's cruel to act like this is a grave site, because it's not; he's alive, he's fine.
Voice watery, he continues—]
Na... Merry Christmas, Bunny.... Sorry I'm taking so long to say it to your face. But I'll keep doing the best I can.
[Alright, enough of this, or Barnaby really will break through time and space to kick you. He shoves his hands into his coat pockets and starts off quickly, not letting his gaze linger for another moment on that spot.]
((ooc: basically a catch-all for kotetsu! he's been gone for a bit, but now I'm ready to drag him back into the fray; lemme know what your character's up to and I can have kotetsu pop in, if you're not too sure where to place 'em in his post! any even slightly positive CR will probably get some little gift. o7))
I'm back...
Oi, did something happen while I was out? There're—
[waaait
wait a sec]
Christmas. [He slaps his forehead, making a loud, annoying sigh, same ol' same ol'.] Aaaargh, I forgot! How'd I go and forget something as easy as Christmas? —Did I, uh. Miss anything? I mean, I guess maybe it's a little late to get everyone something, huh? But if you guys are okay with that... [keep busy, he thinks. keep busy] If anyone needs anything done for 'em, lemme' know. I can help get firewood or clear out snow, or whatever you'd need done.
[Cue scrambling for gifts. Let it be known, if he knows you he'll show up somewhere and give you something. It'll be small, probably something you'll hardly care for or use, but whatever. It's the very late thought that counts. And he hurries back to the restaurant and hey everyone sorry for being missing 75% of the time I had combat training stuff to do. Washing dishes, delivering things; he knows it's been hard goings around here. Admittedly, Kotetsu's been airheaded for a while now—no, no, not the usual airheaded-ness. Something considerably more worrisome and depressing. Well, it's fine. We all go through our moments, right? Yeah.
Still, he's not sure why he ends up standing in the middle of where Bunny had died many months ago, in broad daylight. Can't really even see it, technically, it's all under snow. Not that there'd be any reminders of it now...]
It's not like you're dead; I dunno' why, but I considered bringing flowers... You'd really have hated me for something like that, huh? Because you're not dead. Everyone says you go home and you can't really die here for real. I just... y'know. Christmas makes me think of you. [A shrug] Makes me think of everyone at home, I guess... but especially you. It was Christmas time when I was last there. When we fought and all that... I know it's not a good holiday for you, but I always hoped maybe you'd find something good in it someday. I don't know.
[After a long, lost pause, he shakes his head, rapping his knuckle on his forehead in frustration.]
Pao-lin's gone, too. I never even got to make it up to her. I know I failed her like I did the others here, back when they needed me most. And like I failed with you. I'm trying to make up for it—this thing Crapbeard's doing... It's what you'd do, right? You'd hop right to it, huh, Bunny?
[rubs at his eyes, scoffing-]
... You'll be okay, back home... I don't know why I'm talkin' to you like this.
[Kotetsu only talks to Tomoe like this. It's cruel to act like this is a grave site, because it's not; he's alive, he's fine.
Voice watery, he continues—]
Na... Merry Christmas, Bunny.... Sorry I'm taking so long to say it to your face. But I'll keep doing the best I can.
[Alright, enough of this, or Barnaby really will break through time and space to kick you. He shoves his hands into his coat pockets and starts off quickly, not letting his gaze linger for another moment on that spot.]
((ooc: basically a catch-all for kotetsu! he's been gone for a bit, but now I'm ready to drag him back into the fray; lemme know what your character's up to and I can have kotetsu pop in, if you're not too sure where to place 'em in his post! any even slightly positive CR will probably get some little gift. o7))
action;
... Of course, grins only last so long before the chef takes to careful scrutinizing, watching Kotetsu's airheaded gestures and remarks. Because it's been over a month and Sanji hasn't forgotten the state they were both in. Only now, after he's forced his way out of his own pit of depression, does he get a chance to see where his friend stands.
The truth doesn't bring him comfort. Now that he's no longer in a position of self-pity, he's obliged to do something, too.
He'll try and start off easy, though. No cornering him in the kitchen just yet, though the next time the Hero darts in with a load of dishes, Sanji pipes up from his corner]
You sure you wanna be working so soon after getting back, shithead? [Not that he doesn't already know the answer to that]
action;
[Yeah, it's a pretty obvious answer, huh... He really likes working right now. Work is good; it means he's busier. Back home, he was always being dragged back into work. Before he'd met Bunny, he thrived on being able to go out and do his job, because it distracted him from the fact that he was failing at everything else. Pretty sad, right?
Doesn't matter. What matters is--these dishes need washing, and things need to be put away. (But what's with the mild concern, Sanji? It's not like you've had other workers who've overworked themselves into illness or something.)
oh right-]
Christmas musta' made everything pretty busy, huh...? Sorry I was out for it.
action;
Just so long as you're getting enough sleep...
action;
[It's mostly a mutter as he works, and for a moment it seems like he's going to just ignore that last bit--which is unusual enough, because there's usually a part of him that is immediately defensive--obnoxiously so. But as he's putting plates down, he's far more reserved about Sanji's prodding.
He huffs at last.]
I'm not that old, y'know... I can handle a few less hours of sleep...
[#missing the point]
action;
Either way, he turns and graces Kotetsu with a level stare, bordering on discontent.]
Shithead, you're old enough. [And he's not talking physical years, either.] I'm sure you can handle a few more hours, too.
action;
I pulled plenty of hours working back home. If you're worried, don't be--I can handle it just fine.
[He may or may not think you're underestimating his work ethic.
Just a little.]
action;
Idiot, that's not what I meant! [A sigh and-- oh fuck it, he's not in the mood for subtle. It never works with this guy, anyway]
I meant how are you doing? Not your work-- [Said with a pointed look] Other shit.
... [And then he follows up more softly] I know these past months have sucked for everyone.
action;
He's not sure what to say. He could be honest, like Bunny had always wanted him to be.
Could be.]
I'm doin' just fine.
[no he's not]
Maybe I'm just a little restless.
[just a little?]
action;
Yes, he expects evasiveness... but not nervousness. Sanji stands uncertain now, a little bewildered when he picks up the subtle shift in body language. Maybe he's reading this wrong.
... Maybe he's not.]
Oi... [He trails off, staring hard at the man] Do you really expect me to believe that? [He tries again] I know I'm not the best at this kind of thing, but don't go closing everyone out of your head, either.
action; 1/2
But then there's that part of him. The side that immediately clams up and reels everything back in.
... You have your own things to work though, Sanji.
Why add to that list? Just let it go, man.]
Y'don't need to worry; I've just been working a lot. A friend of mine's been focused on building something that might be able to get people out, so I've been getting the points with the others to make it.
I'm fine.
['Daijoubu', Kotetsu's most favoritest Japanese word, better believe it.]
I'm not...
['closing everyone out', he almost says. But he pauses.]
action;
You shouldn't let your employees chat on the job, y'know.
action;
Right. [Said briskly, that, and Sanji doesn't bother to hide the flash of hurt - or anger. But then he smiles grimly, turning back to his preparations]
My shitty mistake. Didn't know you were too dedicated to your work to talk. [Passive aggressive? Not really. Sanji doesn't know how to do "passive" anger, and the words are too deliberate to veil hidden meaning.]
Want me to act like your boss instead of your friend then? [Flatly] Would that make you feel more shitty comfortable?
action;
That's not what I meant...!
[But then it dies down to a sad little sound of frustration, like it physically aches him to even try and voice his innermost feelings like a healthy individual should.
He motions with his hands, brow furrowed, unable to look at Sanji—
And then it just happens, like a very short-lived but important gift from the heavens.]
I almost killed Nami and Tony—I—
[Something angry flashes in his eyes, but it's all directed at his own damn self.]
I couldn't remember myself and I attacked people, infected people—I think I...
['possibly killed innocent people'
He feels sick at the thought. Maybe he shouldn't finish. Yeah, those heavenly clouds shut right the hell back and there's nothing there but shame (for a lot of things). He turns back to the sink, clenching his fists on the edges. He wants to break out right now with some half-assed excuse, but it's too late for that, so he just doesn't even bother giving an excuse at all--
He turns and scoops up waiting trays--gotta deliver them to their designated places.]
action;
Heh. But no, he really is a asshole. His chest tightens, and it earns a low cuss under his breath, a fist slamming against the counter. One day he'll respond with a little more finesse when dealing with stubborn jackasses, one day... probably the same day Kotetsu finally learns to talk about his shitty problems. Because that will ever happen.
There's a near smirk at that, but the black humor doesn't reach his face. Deep lines of disquiet etch themselves into his expression. He realizes he's barely given a thought to the actual news Kotetsu was guarding. Nami-san almost died, huh? That should scare him a lot more than it does; instead, Sanji studies it blankly, turning it over in his head. His navigator had plenty of near-misses on that draft, it seems.
Funny, though; she didn't tell him about this one. Then again, maybe he should be glad for that. And she lived. Nearly broke under the pressure, he wonders, but she lived. She always lives.
Eventually, his hands find work for bits of his mind to focus on. He doesn't go after Kotetsu. The damage has been done, even if he knows what he wants to say now - but he'll wait this time, for the man to show up]
action;
Why is it so hard to just use words?
He's spent so much of his life never confiding in anyone... that had ended for a while with Tomoe, but then. Then she passed away. After what had happened with Barnaby here... there's an illogical (is it really, though?) fear of continuing the trend.
He pauses in the doorway, watching Sanji's back. He thinks about the last serious situation they'd been in—how angry and hurt the other had been, with his blood on his hands. He remembers telling that little girl that she'd be okay and he'd save her.
'... I just want you all to be safe and happy. That's all I want.'
"Uh... Is there anything else you need done?"
That's what he'd planned to say, anyway.]
You're a good kid.
I'm sorry I'm always so tough to work with.
[Okay, yeah, not what he was planning to say at all. He awkwardly holds the broom handle in the hand hanging at his side, not budging from his place. Okay, that was a dorky old man thing to say, he thinks. Maybe. Right? Right. He scratches the top of his head, looking thoroughly shameful after his obvious unsure pause.]
action;
Uh... Is there anything else you need done?
action;
There goes whatever contrived speech he'd made up for this moment. Stupid bastard didn't even say that much - but the muscles of Sanji's back grow taunt, and he feels his mouth and throat dry until they're numb and scratchy at the same time.]
You remember how I said Zoro was infected, too? [No, he didn't say it - but he had implied it with his fear, his anger, his desperation to save something close to him. There's a pause, and then Sanji continues distantly, not turning around. He pretends to work on his dish like nothing's wrong - like his throat isn't about to constrict, or like the words he decides to speak will come easier with practice.]
I killed him.
[There. Now it's even - a secret for a secret.
It's okay, Kotetsu. Sanji's as bad as you are.]
action; 1/2
Idiot. Idiot, pathetic, stupid. It's like every insult he's known punches him right in the gut, crippling a reply. Sanji had to kill someone he cared about, and here he was... Here he was.]
... I'm sorry...
action;
What's he been able to do for anyone? Sweep the floor after everything's said and done?
Failure. Failure.
He swore he'd live up to what Legend had thought him capable of, but in the end, all he's ever done is made things harder--no, that's not true, is it? But then, he'd never been there when it mattered. He should've been there for Sanji. He could've, but he was busy shaking and sweating and useless.
His eyes prick with tears and there's a loud snap as the broom crunches in two in his white-knuckled hand. He didn't remember turning on his power--because he wasn't powered up at all, and that was a sad thing he didn't bother realizing.]
I'm sorry I wasn't there to help.
[Failure. Idiot. I hate you.
Is he a hero, or is he just running in one step behind?]
I should've been there... I'm sorry.
[he's falling down deep--he deserves this.
pao-lin's gone, bunny's gone, he did nothing for either of them
sanji and nami were hurt by all of that, and yet they fought against it while it took him over
tony could build. he could do something instead of just sitting at a bar, drinking one after another--]
... I've failed everyone.
action;
[For all his steady briskness, there's a note of rawness, too, that shakes Sanji's voice for a second.]
Shit like this happens; we know that. [He pauses, then grits his teeth against the struggle of looking for some words that will bring peace to the stifling tension in the kitchen.] You didn't fail anyone. You didn't--
[You didn't have to kill anyone -- and it's with that thought that Sanji freezes, lowers his head and abruptly stops talking after a hardened laugh. Jesus, look at him. He's supposed to be helping Kotetsu out and already he's regressed to self-abasement.
They really are cut from the same cloth, it seems.]
Neh... [He speaks again, but the tone's changed; distant, like his mind is elsewhere] Did you really expect me to get angry at you?
action;
'Change the subject. Pretend everything's better now.'
But he can't bring himself to rekindle enough energy to smile and fake anything. His shoulders just sag and his frown deepens.
... He hates himself.]
I wish you would.
action;
I don't see you getting on my ass for killing my own nakama.
action;
Angry's good. Some kind of cosmic punishment for being such a failure would be good. And Sanji deserves this--because why is he bitching, when the other had had to kill his own friend? Yeah, good job, Kotetsu. Good job. Was his partnership with Bunny just a fluke? Was he always this pathetic?
They were all right. There's a reason he was at the bottom of the chain--they were right to throw him in with Barnaby as some sidekick. It hangs on his lips.
What would Tomoe have said to a thought like that? What would Kaede or Bunny have said? What would the heroes think of him right now, seeing him fuck up thing after thing.... They'd probably get tired of him eventually. And then he'd get so bitter, just like before, and it'd spiral into something weak, dragging to a crawl. And here he is, using Sanji's experience to hammer himself down deep into the ground. On the inside, it's like he's curled up into a tight ball, waiting for everything to readjust and fix itself.
His voice cracks, wetted but reserved from sheer will at this point--]
You didn't have a choice... It's what your friend would have wanted.
It wasn't your fault.
action;
Nami-san isn't angry at you, either. [It doesn't matter that he's never discussed the issue at length with her; he knows this for a fact. Hell, she probably was more pissed at hi--
No, stop that. Breathe. Don't go down that path.]
You're the one who didn't have a choice.
action;
[No. That's never the answer and you know it.
This whole thing is foolish. He feels like a kid crying about his spilled candy.]
I don't--
[There's a scoffing sort of laugh, hauntingly echoing Sanji's earlier one, if only a little shakier, less controlled. He looks at anything but the chef, inevitably trailing his gaze down as he drops the shattered remnants of wood and blood. This isn't how he's supposed to be--and it's not how things are supposed to ever be, not for anyone.]
--I don't know what's wrong with me...
[He wants to run away; he's wanted to run away since the moment Sanji prodded and poked at his brain.]
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